pretty soon now you're gonna get older

I'm twenty two years old and lately I've felt like the world is passing me by. Sad and disappointed, the two words I can use to best describe my latest disposition. I've had a lot of changes in my life within the past three years. Some of these changes have been with my physical environment, personal changes; conscious and subconscious, as well as my general interactions with people around me. I accept that I've changed my mind about things, many times. At the time that I made my decisions or proposed my thoughts, I felt most sincere about them. I am unafraid of admitting that things change, but I still don't make myself available to change. I only notice the changes after they happen, the most important ones aren't conscious.

School has been a major issue with my life. My education is important to me, I want to be a librarian. I do. I don't want many things. Perhaps this is the problem. Material things are always "comforting," but that's not what I mean. I mean goals, aspirations. I just want a bachelors, followed by a masters, all of which I hope will lead to being a successful librarian. What is successful? At this point, success is being happy, content. That which I am not. Setting more goals for myself would be a start. Should be a start, this bored and empty motivation must leave me, I need things to look forward to.

I work full-time for an institution that drains me, in an office I am unable to divorce myself from. The negativity that swells and cloaks itself throughout the entire campus kills me. Kills me. Kills every opportunity for me to enjoy my days, have nice things to say about my day, about people. I used to love people, enjoy meeting them and engaging with them. Working has mutilated my ability to see the good in them. I've become cynical and hopeless. I don't want this anymore. I want to meet people and connect with them the way I used to. I hurt, hurt, hurt and hurt.

I know I'm a sensitive person but not until speaking to a beloved friend today, I hadn't realized that I need to respect that about myself, not just say it and know it, I need to nurture and protect my sensitivity. I think returning to school full-time, if not part-time and leaving that working environment would greatly help. Since working I've lost my youth, my drive, my ... love. I have none except the love I already gave to those closest to me. Recycled love. I want my love back, my happiness, my gorgeous ability to see the good. I need it.

Changes, they're terrifying and can be the best and worst things we encounter.

It may seem cheap to quote a song after all of this. But it's so well spoken here.

Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test....

Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time...

DB